Hello. Welcome to my website. It started while I was in Europe for a semester, and I've kept it up since then. I'm now at the University of Chicago Law School, living in Hyde Park, and the story continues. If you want to say hi or visit me, email cfloyd at uchicago dot edu.
"Life is nothing if not the sum of your anecdotes." -Scotty The Body, on storytelling "But it ain't that bad, man. Just figure out the system before the system figures out you." -T. Matthew Smith, on the 1L year "The beer just doesn't taste as good when you're not drinking it with your buddies." -Anon., on being away from good friends "Somebody has to pay the rent around here. Why the hell not us?" -Cotton, on studying for exams
6/23/2004
There is a Dish Nazi in the office.
She is a large, red-faced woman who is very nice but not the type you mess with. She wasn't here last week, but came back Monday. Apparently dishes have been piling up in her absence and so she printed out a sign (I assume it was her):
DON'T BE A PIG
WASH YOUR OWN DISHES
DRY YOUR OWN DISHES
PUT YOUR OWN DISHES AWAY
I love this. I'm highly entertained by office vigilantism. Just imagine her walking into the office kitchen, noticing... no! ...coffee mugs! IN THE SINK! Visibly trembling, she returns to her desk. Tries to focus on the discovery pleading in front of her, but can't. Those saucers. That fork. They're taunting her! Teasing her! From the sink! But she can't clean them. This would be an affront to her honor, as well as a disincentive to the offending party to actually clean his or her own dishes. So she prints out the sign, deliberating carefully over the precise wording and tone necessary to convince the dish-non-washers to change their ways. After taping it to the cabinet over the sink, she stands back and admires her handiwork. Self-satisfaction washes over her and she returns to her desk to work and covertly read oprah.com.
This morning the despicable dishes were back in the sink. So I cleaned them without much thought. I used to be in charge of it at my old firm, so it was natural. One of the secretaries came in while I was cleaning.
So they were YOUR dishes!
No no, I'm just cleaning them.
Well how nice of you!
Hey, it's why they pay me the big bucks.
No one ever accused Major Floyd of lacking charm. Then I made my oatmeal. Dish Nazi came in to get coffee.
Well somebody finally cleaned their dishes!
No, it was Charlie. He just cleaned them all up himself.
SO IT WAS YOU! (Actually points in my direction.)
Nobody points fingers and falsely accuses Major Floyd. There's a new sheriff in town, and he don't like Nazis.
No no, I just saw the pile there and cleaned them.
Are you sure?
Yes. I clean my dishes. And even if I'd left some in there, of course they weren't all mine. There were three coffee mugs, which means at least three offenders.
Well maybe somebody used three mugs...
And I don't think I'll do dishes if I'm just going to be accused of sullying them in the first place.
Well the problem is new, and you're new!
Looks like you've got me. Nice work, Sherlock. (Floyd leaves the kitchen.)
Seriously, this was all actually said, albeit with smiles. The underlying tension was still there. Later one of the secretaries told me not to worry about it, the Dish Nazi just is a little high strung about dishes. I told her I wouldn't worry, they're not paying me enough, and I'm a laid-back dude.
Oh, and there's some graffiti on the sign now. It wasn't me. It's written in 40-yr-old-woman style cursive. The exact wording, under the Dish Nazi's post:
Or the kitchen patrol will grab you by the toe and little pig your "_____" away.
Dissent! This is wonderful. Think of how the Dish Nazi reacted to see that someone had marked on her beautiful sign. How could they! All the time, consideration, heart that she had put into her eloqent admonition--spat upon by some insolent coworker. It breaks your heart.
Good stuff. I think I'll go put a plate in the sink and leave it.
6/23/2004 08:12:00 AM
